Who handles a breakup better men or women

Who handles a breakup better men or women?


By Alison Stephenson |
mybodyandsoul.com.au
September 15, 2016

       

Photo: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

What women can learn from how men when it comes to coping with breakups.
Some people cry, some people get a bold new haircut, while others head to the nearest bar to drown their sorrows and look for the quickest rebound.


We all deal with breakups in very different ways, but regardless of who you are, the end of a relationship with someone you love is painful.


While some people may think that men heal quicker than women and therefore feel less pain, dating and relationship expert Katia Loisel says studies have found no significant difference between men and women when it comes to the negative emotions associated with breakups.


“Heartbreak doesn’t discriminate,” relationship, dating and body language expert Katia Loisel from thelovedestination.com told mybodyandsoul.com.au, “however, we all deal with that pain and grief differently. Men and women experience and cope with stressors differently. Whilst women are more likely to rate a stressor as more stressful than men, they tend to place more emphasis on social support and interpersonal relationships and are more likely to use more coping mechanisms and seek social support after a breakup.”


There are countless clichés of how women cope after a one-way ticket to Splitsville (the image of her eating a tub of Ben and Jerrys in front of a rom-com, crying on the bed with her girlfriends and a box of tissues or losing drastic amounts of weight in order to get her ‘revenge body,’) but none of those clichés are helpful.


Women are stronger than stereotypes let on

It turns out, women are actually pretty resilient when it comes to dealing with heartbreak and there’s a lot that men can learn from us.


“One of the most important things that men can learn from women is the importance of social support and expressing your feelings,” says Ms Loisel. “Having someone to talk to freely and openly about how you feel can really help to decrease the negative emotional and physical impact of a breakup and heartbreak and help you to get some clarity and grow as a person.”


But the clichés don’t end with women, what about men buying a new car or a motorbike, going on an all-night bender with the boys, or dating someone younger (and blonder) quicker than you can say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?


Our dating and relationship expert says these clichés are clichés for a reason (they’re just overused stereotypes) and there’s actually a lot women can learn from men too.


“Whilst expressing how you feel can help you heal, women can get stuck in a cycle of rumination as they go over and over what went wrong; keeping them firmly stuck in the past and playing the 'what if' or 'if only' game. (‘If only I'd been more attentive, given him more sex, hadn't changed, lost those ten kilos...’). Men on the other hand, tend to be more practical and spring into action. So rather than caving your head in about what went wrong, do something just for you.”


Regardless of your sex, the most important thing a person can do when they’re hurting is to take time to heal, says Ms Loisel. While you may think meeting someone else straight away will take your mind off the one who broke your heart, a post-breakup rebound is not always the best idea.


“Jumping into a hook up or casual relationship releases an intoxicating mix of neurotransmitters and hormones including dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine, which can seemingly (and temporarily) dull the pain of heartache,” she adds.

“However, whilst the chemical cocktail associated with the early stages of attraction may seem like the perfect distraction and remedy for a broken heart, it’s often a Band-Aid solution as your feelings and issues are transferred to your new partner and relationship. If you haven’t dealt with your past hurts and issues from previous relationships, more often than not they’ll show up in your life and new relationships.”


The odds are in your favour

And don’t despair if you’ve broken up with your long-term love, because the experts say the odds of ending up ‘happily ever after’ are actually in your favour.

“If you’ve broken up with the love your life, don’t despair. Studies show that most long-term relationships don’t just end abruptly, but rather long-term couples will often get back together (sometimes several times) usually within the first three months after the breakup.”

So keep your chins up and look after yourselves lovers.

How to DIY your own vegetable garden

How to DIY your own vegetable garden


By Brooke Glew |
mybodyandsoul.com.au
September 19, 2016 2:08pm

   

Photo: istock

       

You've always wanted to grow organic produce from home. And here's how you can - however small your apartment might be.

When it comes to growing food at home, you aren’t as limited as you think, and yes you can have a thriving veggie garden – however limited for space you might be.

It’s great for your nutritional health, psychological wellbeing (studies have shown that just having a plant indoors is an instant mood-booster and that gardening totally counts as a meditative activity) and, of course, endless photo opportunities. (Succulents are so 2015, you guys.)

Now, when we talk about organic produce, we’re talking chemical-free food that’s grown in an environment that maintains its nutrient content and, of course, taste.

If you’re in an apartment, there are a couple of things you need to consider:

1. Do you have a balcony?

If so, this is a great place to start. There’s plenty you can do with balcony space, including pot planting and raised garden beds. If you have wall space, try creating your own herb wall. This doubles as a stunning feature (#ExteriorGoals) and will make you feel just a little smug when guests come over.


2. Where do you get sunlight?

When you choose your space inside, you want to look out for the lightest possible area. If there’s a place in your apartment that gets a couple of hours of morning sun, that’s the place. If the main sun you get is in the afternoon, this just means you’ll have to water your garden more regularly.

Once you’ve selected the location, you’re ready to plant. If you truly want organic produce, you need to remember that anything that goes in or on your garden will be taken up by your plant – and then consumed by you.

Certified organic soil

Soil can be a little confusing, as the word ‘organic’ is over-used, to say the least. There’s organic potting mix, premium potting mix and then certified organic potting mix. There are two bodies in Australia that will certify soil, and that’s what you want to look out for. Certified organic will be the cleanest soil you’ll find, and organic potting mix is the next best thing.

Organic seeds or seedlings

Where possible, seek out certified organic seeds or organically grown seedlings. I love GreenPatch Seeds, but if you’re anywhere in Sydney, the amazing Jordan from Wormticklers Nursery has amazing organically grown seedlings that most of my garden is filled with!

Natural pest sprays and fertilisers

Growing food inside or on your balcony already knocks out pesky possums and bandicoots from eating your precious produce. But you still might need to manage some bugs, or boost your garden with a fertiliser.

Look out for things like volcanic rock dust, aged manures or if you have a great nursery near by, ask to buy some of their compost.

For bug sprays, something like a neem oil or eco oil spray will take care of most things. And always look for a natural alternative – they are never far away!



Brooke Glew is a passionate gardener, nutritionist and the founder of Health Coach Army .

Are you self-sabotaging your success?

Are you self-sabotaging your success?


By Marina J |
mybodyandsoul.com.au
September 21, 2016


                 

Photo: Stocksy

It’s more common than you think. But you can (and should) stop this destructive behaviour. Here's how.


Self-sabotage. It’s not a feel good phrase, is it? The good news is, in my experience as a life coach, the people with the most potential tend to self-sabotage, which means, ‘You got big potential kid!’ I actually get excited when I find where you’ve been self-sabotaging, because once you heal this at the deepest level, you’re free to create the kind of success you know is possible.

So let’s start; how do you think you’re self-sabotaging your own success, stopping yourself or slowing yourself down right now? Are you under-earning and over-giving in your job? Are you doing that ‘thing’ to yourself that you know you should stop (because it’s hurting your health and wellbeing) and yet… you can’t? Do you push ‘them’ away just when it begins to get good again between you two?

Self-sabotage is like an internal fight: You say you want to get fit, yet here you are muttering to yourself at 6am that there is no way on God’s green earth that you’re getting up for a run now. Sure – you’re good at running – but mostly in the opposite direction of what you want. Here’s how to do a 180 and change directions.


1. The first step is to realise that this self-sabotage is keeping you safe. What would happen if you got successful? Are you frightened of the attention? Would you worry it would be too much for you and you’d be overwhelmed with all there is to do? Are you worried of people’s jealousy and judgement of you as you step out of the shadows? Are you worried you’d do it wrong? What would you lose? Would it leave you vulnerable and exposed?

Know that you sabotaging your success is your escape from perceived pain.


2. The second step is to heal this pattern at the deepest level in you – your subconscious. Did you know that 85 percent of what’s stopping you lives in your subconscious? Listen to why you’re sabotaging and the way forward becomes clear. What is it leading you to do? Finish this sentence, “Every time I self-sabotage, it’s my sign that I need…” real support, freedom, to be kind to myself, to tell myself I can do it, or to get help. Ask yourself honestly, what is it for you?


3. The third step is to insert this little ‘care pack’ into any moment you realise you’re self-sabotaging. Say: “I need to look after myself.” Ask yourself: Do I need inner-strength, transformation, self-love or to receive? And then action within 1 minute of realising you’re self-sabotaging.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve just done to yourself, know that in the next moment, you have the power to turn away from self-sabotaging and to walk straight into self-love. Run a bath and get in, call someone you love, go for a walk or ask for help. You are in control, and have the power to turn things around.


Also, don’t beat yourself up over your behaviour. This is important. It’s just a sign that you need something, whether that’s compassion or support. When you act on this knowledge, you’ll be free to create the success you deserve.




Marina J is a relationship coach, speaker and the best-selling author of Turn Yourself On. For more, head to www.marinaj.net .

So you’re ready for a change. Now what?

So you’re ready for a change. Now what?

By Jon Low |
mybodyandsoul.com.au
September 20, 2016 8:56am

           

Only you know the way forward and these three steps will help crystallize what you need to do to get there.


You’re ready for a change , what should you do now? That’s a million-dollar question. I wish I had the golden answer to share with everyone. But I don’t. The truth is, no one really knows what’s best for you, but you.

I’ve seen people quit their job cold turkey, and spend a few months overseas to discover themselves.

You also probably know of people who have made such a huge transition in some shape or form. And not only in their careers, but in their social and family life too. People hit a point where the pain of staying where they are makes the risk of stepping into the unknown a better option.

But something that extreme might not be something you want to do.

For example, I know people who are happy to stay where they are, but simply re-define their work role. Rather than changing the place they are working at, they moved horizontally in their organisation.

Gladly, there are some pretty universal steps you can take. I find the three below to be the simplest, most profound, and most empowering. Rather than forcing you to be like someone else, these steps encourage you to find it for yourself.

1. Take a stocktake of where you are now

That means looking at all domains of your life; finances, career, relationships, family, spirituality/ philosophy, and purpose. Unless you get clear on Point A before you make a change, defining a Point B (where you want to be) is pretty pointless. Like any map, without a starting point, you can’t figure out a route to the end point.

So in finances for example, it might involve comparing your assets now, with where you would like it to be. Or in your career, it could be comparing the work you are doing now, with the work you want to be doing more of.


2. Write down what you want

Write it down. A short pencil can be better than a long memory. Writing it down can help bring order and organization to your thinking — resulting in an experience of greater calm, productivity, and satisfaction.

Research by Laura A. King (The Health Benefits of Writing about Life Goals ) reports that “writing about achieving future goals and dreams can make people happier and healthier... and when people doing stressful fundraising jobs kept a journal for a few days about how their work made a difference, they increased their hourly effort by 29 per cent over the next week.”

When you write down what you want, try to think about it in as much detail as possible. You get a picture of how life will be when you have what you want. Then, test-drive that version of yourself so you can get the feelings that come with achieving it. Here are some steps that will help you clarify the way forward:

· What would you like?

· What will having that do for you?

· When, where, and with who, do you want it?

· How will having what you want, affect the important people and experiences in your life?

In the way your brain knows how, step into that future version of yourself, and take a log of what that experience is like.


3. Brainstorm ways to get from A to B

Brainstorm 20 ways in which you can get from Point A to Point B. Don’t stop writing until you get 20 down. You can even ask your friends to help you. Whether you end up actioning the different ideas you generate isn’t the point. What we want is for your brain to see that there are so many ways to get what you want.

This tends to build confidence and certainty. And it also helps you to; try things out, see what happens, re-evaluate, and re-choose your course of action.

Give you an example. Let’s suppose you are driving down a lane to find parking, so you can attend your friend’s party. Suppose you get to the end of that lane and no free spaces show up. You’d likely be pretty annoyed.

But let’s suppose you know there are three connecting lanes, not too far from your friend’s house, that are normally full of free parking spots. You would feel more relaxed and ease knowing there are other parking options available. See what we're saying?



Written by Jon Low, author of The Art of Personal Change series. For more info, visit
www.gotojonlow.com .

Make a relationship work in seven days

Make a relationship work in seven days

By Cynthia Hickman |
mybodyandsoul.com.au
September 18, 2011 1:00am

7 days and 7 ways to make a relationship work.

Keep your love alive with these tips for a great partnership.

Monday

Be responsible for yourself. Work at being a whole human being. Two half selves propping each other up do not make for a healthy relationship, so be able to validate yourself, honestly confront yourself and soothe yourself in difficult moments. Be a grown-up running your own life.

Tuesday

Be best friends – being lovers is not enough for a long-lasting relationship. Pay attention to details about your partner. Know their quirks and preferences, their goals and challenges. Honour each other’s dreams. Show an interest in their life and make time for updates on each other’s progress.

Wednesday

Notice the positive. We tend to take people for granted after time, so it takes conscious effort not to let this happen. Foster the positive aspects of the relationship by focusing on what’s good about each other. Then make sure you regularly tell your partner what you appreciate about them.

Thursday

Do sweat the small stuff. Little moments count – life is made of these. So make an effort to do little things for each other. A small compliment, a loving touch as you walk by, a little gift: these all feed the wellbeing of the relationship on a daily basis. Express affection regularly and generously.

Friday

Work as a team. You are a partnership, so you need to pull together. Have shared dreams and goals that you work towards, but allow for differences. Respect each other’s opinions instead of being dogmatic about your own. Accept your partner’s influence and share power. Listen and compromise.

Saturday

Don’t be afraid of conflict. Be honest, even about difficult issues. It is okay if disagreements arise; it is the way you deal with them that makes the difference. When talking through problems, start gently and own your own part of the issue first. Take time out to calm down if necessary, then jointly search for a solution.

Sunday

Make time for fun and humour. Create your own relationship culture of shared jokes and silliness. Laugh together, find things you enjoy doing together. Share experiences – it could be exploring a new place or enjoying a DVD together. Whatever it is, celebrate your love in your own idiosyncratic way.

"My girlfriend of three months chased me around the world”

"My girlfriend of three months chased me around the world”


By Erin Van Der Meer |
mybodyandsoul.com.au


                 

And it was worth it.

Olly Woolrych, 28, and Ashlee Stoker, 21 met in 2013 when they were working at Athlete’s Foot. When Olly told Ash not long after they met of his plans to run through Central America for six months, the Sydney couple had a challenge – and an adventure.
Ashlee: Olly and I had been seeing each other for about three months when he told me was going to run the length of Central America – from Mexico City to Panama – to raise money for Beyond Blue, and he would be gone for at least six months. He thought I had already heard about it from people at work which I definitely hadn’t! I thought it was an amazing thing to do but I was also worried about getting closer to him, knowing he’d be leaving.


Olly: I was training my butt off for a good year before I got on the plane to Mexico [April 2015]. It was such a big part of the start of our relationship. I spent most of my free time organising logistics, meeting with sponsors or on Skype to Germany designing the cart I would pull along behind me. Ash was very patient with me.


With six months to go until I flew out, our relationship was serious and we both knew Ash had to come along for at least part of the trip. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how it would work. I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to keep her safe while also focusing on my run. We talked a lot about it, making sure that Ash knew that she was responsible for herself, but that I would help as much as I could.


Ashlee: Olly went first and I followed four months later. The time apart was hard. I was so supportive of what he was doing but also sad because I missed him, and worried because of some of the places he was running through – he would tell me “I ran through a riot today”. We couldn’t speak much as he often didn’t have Wi-Fi but he a GPS device he would press when he was in his location safe and I would get notified by email. But sometimes it wouldn’t work and I’d get paranoid.


Olly: Those months were tough. I was going through some pretty brutal times, struggling with loneliness and exhaustion, and we only spoke sporadically. It was a major adjustment going from spending every minute together back home to not being able to speak much more than once a week.


Finally the day arrived when we were to meet on the island of Caye Caulker in Belize. I was waiting on the wharf as her boat came in. She was shy, it was so cute. But we quickly got into our groove and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
Ashlee: I have no idea why I was shy! After a little bit of time together we were back to where we left off. I fell in love all over again.


Olly: It was so nice knowing Ash was in the same part of the world, but we only got to cross paths about once a week because of the isolated places I was running through. But it was so good when we were together. My feet were busted up and I was struggling with some internal issues. Ash rubbed my feet and made sure I drank enough water when I was with her.

                       

Ashlee: It was really hard to see Olly struggling, like when he got heat stroke after running for hours in 45 degree heat, he would come in sweating and throwing up.


Olly: But there was one stretch of about 10 days where Ash was able to travel with me in the highlands of Guatemala because this string of towns had suitable accommodation for the both of us. I would get up before sunrise and start running, Ash would leave the accommodation around 10 am, find transport along the road to the town that we agreed to meet at that afternoon and organise the hotel for the night. We would meet on the steps of the town’s church between 2 – 4pm. It sounds romantic, but it wasn’t always. There were times when we were meant to meet in a spot that we had previously planned on the map but Ash would be in another spot all together. After 45 kilometres of running in 45 degree heat up and down mountains with 17 kilograms of cart behind me, I was not really in the mood to wait around, dripping in sweat with people staring at me wondering what on earth I was doing in a town hundreds of kilometres from the nearest tourist spot!


Ashlee: The highs and the lows made our relationship so much stronger. It’s already a massive test to travel with your partner, and our trip was not about sitting on the beach drinking cocktails. We learnt a lot about each other and it made us realise how much we wanted to make a life together when we got home. We have a six-and-a-half-year age gap but it’s barely noticeable in most areas of our relationship.
Olly: We have the usual financial struggles like any other couple, if the age gap is ever noticeable it would be that I seem to have learnt a few more strategies in order to manage finances.


Ashlee: Olly rarely drinks and that used to be more of a challenge than anything else, because I was 19 when I met him so I used to want to party all the time and he wouldn’t, and it would be kind of frustrating for him. Now I don’t enjoy the big drinking scene as much anyway, but we will occasionally drink together and it’s always fun.


Olly: Ash has softened me up, she has taught me that there is more to life than just results and goals – more importantly there are relationships and people to care for. I met Ashee when I was just starting to regain my self-esteem and self-worth [after a period of depression] and Ash helped convince me that I was worth loving.



August 25, 2016 3:04pm

Can you future-proof your marriage?

Can you future-proof your marriage?

By Casey Beros |
mybodyandsoul.com.au

Casey Beros might not believe in ‘forever’, but before this bride ties the knot, she’s found a few ways she (and we) can improve the odds.


I never grew up dreaming about getting married, so looking forward to my big day is an interesting headspace for me, to say the least.


If you’ve been following my journey you’ll know I’m not exactly the model bride. I don’t believe in forever, I can’t and won’t #wedshred and my strategy for planning the wedding has pretty much been pretend it’s not happening and then panic. It’s an interesting approach, especially because in most other facets of my life, I’m a huge planner.


Which got me thinking, why is it that we don’t apply the same logical processes we apply to any long-term commitment – as we do our career, our finances and even our fitness – to our marriages? I know there’s no way of future proofing your relationship, but surely there are strategies in place that can improve our odds?

Positive psychologist Dr Tim Sharp says that while a variety of external factors play a role in the success of a marriage, there are certainly things we can do on the inside to prepare us for this long-term commitment.

“Think about it, if you want to get fitter you’d have an assessment, set goals, map the strategy, track the goals and then review them later – at least on an annual basis,” Dr Sharp explains. “We should probably do the same thing with our relationships and set positive relationship goals early on, not wait until things are troubled. We should give as much attention to it as we do our professional development, but instead we get busy, and the relationship gets put last.”

While I understand every relationship is different, there has to be things that good relationships (and good marriages) have in common – aside from trust, lust and making a decent crust. Dr Sharp confirms that there are indeed common elements of marital satisfaction:

“Couples with greater marital satisfaction tend to share more in common when it comes to core values and beliefs on the important issues, like raising children, finances and spirituality,” he explains. “Even the happiest couples disagree, but they disagree better. They make up more quickly and come to a resolution. Dissatisfied couples arguments tend not to lead to any resolution and they fester for longer. They choose the wrong fights, and fight over things that aren’t important, like not putting the cap on the toothpaste. More satisfied couples have greater perspective.”

The biggest hurdle, aside from compatibility, is actually change.

“Say the average couple meets in their twenties and you’re looking at a long term relationship,” he says. “Over time you might change jobs, careers, family status, as well as change physically and psychologically. The best couples are adaptable, as individuals and as a team. When you’re young you’re footloose and fancy free, then you have children, get a mortgage and things become more stressful, and that’s when things tend to get harder.”

The silver bullet? You guessed it – rhymes with walking and starts with a ‘t’. Ryan and I are pretty good on the yap, it’s always been important to me and the longer we’re together, the better we get. And the older I get, the more I understand that things don’t have to be perfect all the time. Sometimes you’re on the same page and sometimes you’re chapters apart, and Dr Sharp says that in a good marriage it’s OK to recognise that you won’t always mentally be in the same place at the same time.

According to Dr Sharp, the two biggest marital issues arise from finances and children. What do you do when things are tight? What are your beliefs on discipline? From his perspective, you can add spirituality and religion, health, wellbeing, lifestyle and professional dreams and desires to that list – and then, make sure you actually listen to the answers. Asking the questions themselves is only half the battle.

While I’m a seriously good talker, listening isn’t my strong point. So how am I feeling in the lead up to the big day? Excited. Scared. Nervous. Giddy. Collected. Ready. But given we’re so conditioned to expect the Hollywood ending, not to mention the beginning and middle while we’re at it, how do you know the difference between settling into the humdrum of normal life and having settled for the wrong person?

“Love will never be 100 per cent certain nor will any relationship or the future, and people don’t talk about that stuff enough,” says Dr Sharp. “You can only know if it’s right there and then. This is one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives, so of course it has anxiety attached to it. As much as the lead up to a wedding can bring happiness, excitement and joy, it’s also normal to feel unsure, anxious and a whole lot of trepidation. Cold feet are pretty normal.”

I put an extra pair of socks on, and my cold feet are at bay for now. My practical approach thus far is serving me well, so instead of planning pre-nups and post-drinks I’m off to take Dr Sharp’s advice and talk about the big issues up front so we’re less likely to fight about them later. Way to adult, Casey.

So, wish me luck. The next you’ll read from me I’ll be a married woman, and in line with my intention for these articles, hopefully a happier and healthier one too.

The biggest relationship issues couples will face and how to handle them.

The biggest relationship issues couples will face and how to handle them. 

By Dr Gabrielle Morrissey|

mybodyandsoul.com.au 

Feb 2, 2015.

How to deal with relationship problems and come out stronger

Fotos

It is a myth that if you are with the right partner you will never have conflict , or not experience problems in a relationship. In reality relationships will have rocky times and even times of doubt about whether you should be in your relationship at all. Couples, when they enter into a relationship, don't fuse into one person, each becoming the "better half" of the other. They remain individuals who merge lives. This comes with its own problems and pains because it's not always an easy thing to do: share your life with another day in and day out. All couples will face some (or at least one) major issues. They won't all look the same but couples who sail through troubled waters do so with good communication and a sense of partnership. Here's how to deal with the major dramas that may head your way.

1. A major conflict that has one of you thinking about leaving

It's not uncommon to have a huge conflict in which you question your relationship. Most people take their vows very seriously when they marry , and their promises equally so, when they move in together, even without a legal union. But even with the gravity of those vows and promises, when a couple experiences a deep conflict, one or both partners may question for the first time whether they can weather the storm, whether they are in the right relationship, and if their values align enough to move forward happily and healthily.

First, know it's normal to be a little scared about big conflict, but the best way through it is to talk it out, rather than hide from it. Nothing good comes from running from problems so better to face your feelings and fears head on. Don't be too afraid to say, this is making me worry you might leave over it. Or this is scaring me and I don't want it to break us up, how can we get through it? Don't just rely on yourself in isolation during conflict - enlist your partner too so you can face it as a team. As a result you'll learn terrific, solid, reassuring conflict resolution skills and be able to face smaller problems in the future with ease - and without questioning your future together.

2. No time for each other

Most couples will face the issue of lack of time prioritising one another at some point. It may be due to childrearing and the time away from you both that raising kids can take, or it may be workload, work shifts, travel or other personal and family issues. It may even be an illness that strikes you or your family. Whatever the reason, the approach as a couple is the same: regroup and prioritise one another as your number one partner. Without making your partner feel like you are their primary ally in life, in good and bad times, and them doing the same for you, it's easy to feel alone. And resentment can build, as can anger and then disruption to your home life, for everyone.

The best thing you can do to secure a solid foundation in your life together is to make one another your main priority and balance their needs, and they balance your needs, at all times with anything else going on in life. Without this approach, couples inevitably find themselves growing apart over time .

3. Money problems

Finances are one of the main subjects couples fight about and it also directly affects how people view happiness , stress , and quality of life. How you each approach saving and spending money will directly impact how you live your life together in your relationship. Be on the same page with your financial goals and your values about how best to spend and save money from the outset of your relationship to avoid the pit many couples fall into, clashing time and time again over money spent. And if you haven't agreed before now, don't waste another moment. Sit down and decide together how you share money, what you agree you should consult each other on before spending money on and what your shared goals are for saving for the future.

4. Family issues

Extended family or blended family issues are another top problem many couples will face. Whether a couple has children from a previous relationship to blend into their current relationship, or highly involved and/or dysfunctional in-laws, family issues come with the territory of relating with one another and sharing life together. You don't just commit to your partner, you accept them and all their loved ones along with the package. That doesn't mean you need to accept everything about them without negotiation. It is fair to say your partner is your first and foremost allegiance. Their family, and yours, come second to that. When you both recognise this value and act accordingly, your partnership strengthens and you give each other the security of knowing you have each other's back and no one, not even family, can threaten your relationship. From there, you're much better able to extend yourself to other people in need, and their dramas, including even your in-laws .

5. Lack of intimacy

Once someone starts to feel their relationship is no longer intimate, a great deal of the joy leaves it. People enter into a romantic relationship for many reasons: love , passion , sex, companionship, to start a family, and more. People choose to continue in a romantic relationship because their expectations are mostly met and they assess that they are happier inside the relationship than they would be without it. As well, they commit to their partner, and life together, and believe that a shared life is a happy life. But without that sense of sharing, with at least some of the rapport, chemistry and intimate alone time, spent sensually, emotionally and intellectually, couples will disintegrate into a joyless state in which life together feels like a chore rather than something special to cherish. So recognise how important sex and sensuality is in your relationship. Sometimes when all else fails, sex is the glue that keeps you feeling like a committed couple . Don't neglect touch in your relationship. Ask for it, initiate it, always maintain the kisses , hand holding, snuggles and yes the sex.

What is Maturity

*What is Maturity*

Ebi9ice 

1. Maturity is *when you stop trying to change others, ...instead focus on changing yourself.*


2. Maturity is when you
 *accept and enjoy other people as they are, at their level of understanding.*

3. Maturity is when you
*understand that your ideas  are not always the best.*

4. Maturity is when you
*learn to "let go".*

5. Maturity is when you are
 able to *drop "expectations" from a relationship and give for the sake of giving.*

6. Maturity is when you
*understand whatever you do, you do for your own peace.*

7. Maturity is when you *stop proving to the world, how intelligent you are.

8. Maturity is appropriating that *your opinion in any matter isn't always required.*

9. Maturity is when you *don't seek approval from others.*

10. Maturity is when you *stop comparing with others.*

11. Maturity is when you *are at peace with yourself.*

12. Maturity is when you *understand that you cannot and shouldn't always do/get what you want.*

13. You gain Maturity when you *stop attaching "happiness" to material things !!*

14. Maturity is *responsibility*

15. Maturity is when you are *content and satisfied with your life and yet aspiring to be better everyday.

_*Wishing you  a happy matured life. 😊*

3 Ways Attractive Women Play Hard To Get (That Work EVERY TIME)

3 Ways Attractive Women Play Hard To Get (That Work EVERY TIME)

MOST POPULAR
By Emily Blackwood

April 28, 2016

Don't worry, he'll call.

If your dating life feels like a constant carousel of falling for guys who never text you back (or send you the charming "sup" six weeks later), then it's time to change.

It's no secret that men love a challenge; that's why all their favorite hobbies include scoreboards and fist fights.

And while women tend to see falling in love as fate-driven and serendipitous, many men won't step up their game unless they feel like they have to.

Which brings us to your new dating plan of action: Playing hard to get.

Though it might sound a little high school at first, playing hard to get comes with some serious benefits. Not only are you putting yourself more in control of your love life, but you're also displaying your self-worth to the world in a way that makes you hella attractive to others.

To start, you'll need a coy look, your iPlum number , and some self-control (after all, if he's cute, it's going to be hard to play it cool!)
But you've got this.

So rather then spend yet another night staring at your phone, get back out there and work it like a girl who's not going to take any sh*t.

Here are the three things you've got to do, if you're going to play it cool like the most attractive women do:

1. Be a little distant

For some reason, it's been engraved in our brains that guys are just too dumb to realize we like them, and it's up to us to let them know. I'm sorry, but ... what?

We've made male romantic laziness a norm, and it needs to stop.

Instead of going after the guy, let him come to you.

Make him work for your attention because you deserve someone who's willing to put in some effort. And if that effort doesn't start in the beginning, then (newsflash!) it never will.

Women who play hard to get never act too interested. They never spend too much time chatting with a guy right after meeting him, and definitely no kissing on the first date.

If you worried that making him work might chase him off, then let him go. He wasn't worth your time anyway.

2. Be a little skeptical

This goes for the safety of your heart AND your physical wellbeing.

Don't take everything he says as truth. Unfortunately, people lie all the time, and you don't always know what you're getting yourself into.

Ask questions, do some digging, and figure out if the person you're into is really who they say they are.

Until you're comfortable enough to get that close with someone, keep him at a distance. Don't tell them where you live or give out your cell number.

If you aren't already using it, the iPlum app has made playing it cool (and keeping safe) super easy . You can text and call someone without ever giving them your real information, because iPlum gives you a totally different US phone number on your cell.

Seriously. You use it just like a regular phone number, but creeps can't track you down. Happens to also come in handy when traveling internationally (no roaming charges!) and keeping your phone records private. Bonus: iPlum turns your iPad into a phone... total mind-blower.

However you do it, keep control of guys' access to you, and make sure he's on the up-and-up.

3. Be a little busy

After reigning in your male suitor, you might be tempted to fall into the comfort zone of 24-hour texting and getting as far up each other's butts as (metaphorically) possible.

But I'm going to challenge you to STOP.

Your time is precious, and it shouldn't be wasted on some guy you're not even going to remember in twenty years. Make him prove that he's deserving of your time by subtlety letting him know that you don't have a lot it to spare.

So let his calls go to voicemail and wait a day to text back. If that's enough to scare him off, then good riddance.

Trust me, you're worth the effort to get to know.

When You Ignore Her, You Teach Her To Live WITHOUT You

When You Ignore Her, You Teach Her To Live WITHOUT You

MOST POPULAR
By Emily Blackwood

April 28, 2016

This is your final warning.

I'm kind of a creepy person.

When I'm out and about, I have a tendency to people watch, sometimes to a point where I'm asked if I "have a problem." Most of the things I see are normal and happy, but far too often I witness a man staring at his phone and blatantly ignoring his girlfriend/wife/chick he just met on Tinder.

No matter how far along you are in a relationship , there is no excuse for a lack of attention.

It doesn't matter if your favorite team just scored a point with a ball or if your bro just sent you the FUNNIEST Donald Trump meme, put. that. shit. down.

Giphy

It's one thing if your boss is blowing up your phone or you want to show your girlfriend this funny picture your saw. But I see more idiot guys scrolling endlessly through Instagram and ignoring the beautiful woman sitting across the table.

At first, she might tolerate it, consider it an isolated incident or maybe a bump in the road. She might even pretend to be on her phone too, but I promise you nine out of 10 ten times she's wondering what she could do to change it.
Not only is ignoring her rude, but eventually she stops trying to get your attention.

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So while you're thinking you've made it past the part of "putting in any amount of effort" into your relationship, remember this: when you ignore her, you're essentially teaching her how to live without you.

Time to put down the phone, and connect. Whatever is going on behind that screen is probably not as important as what's going on right in front of you.

Your Answers To These 20 Questions Reveal If You're REALLY In Love

Your Answers To These 20 Questions Reveal If You're REALLY In Love

MOST POPULAR

Janet Ong Zimmerman

LOVE Expert
January 16, 2016

There's a difference between love and LUST.

Fairytales like Cinderella and Snow White romanticize love by showing the main characters living happily ever after. In Hollywood movies like
Pretty Woman or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days , we see slight variations of guy meets girl, guy loses girl and guy gets girl back. In most of these movies, they live happily ever after.

Fairytales and movies lead us to believe that happily ever after means that everything is always wonderful between guy and girl.

In real life, here is the more common scenario: Guy meets girl, guy has fun with girl but wants to date others, girl just wants to date guy and tries to keep his attention, and girl may stay too long with a guy who isn't right for her . Or if guy decides that he wants girl, fears and insecurities that surface from both individuals means that things aren't the happily ever after portrayed in fairytales and movies.

Projecting unrealistic "fairytale" expectations onto your own love life (when reality is SO different) makes it hard to know if you're in love.

If you believe happily-ever-after means everything always flows wonderfully, and when your own relationship ebbs and flows, you may not realize you are actually in love with a wonderful guy. Additionally, having strong feelings for someone can make you think you're in love when you're actually in lust or just simply infatuated.

Here's are the two important distinctions between lust and infatuation:

1. Lust is a physical emotion and reaction to someone else's physical appearance.

It's when you're sexually attracted to a guy and want him only for sex. Lust tends to be short-lived and is more about immediate gratification. If it's just lust, you will have sex in the heat of the moment and only feel physically fulfilled.

2. Infatuation is an intense feeling.

It happens when you are attracted to a guy's appearance or attracted to him sexually. Infatuation happens early on and tends to become obsessive. When you're infatuated, you see him through rose-colored glasses based on who you
imagine him to be. You have put him on a pedestal and don't acknowledge him for who he really is — good or bad. You may behave irrationally, become caught up in your feelings of what you think love is and aren't living in reality.

The intensity of feelings that come with lusting after someone or being infatuated may cause you to think you're in love. When the guy you're lusting after or are infatuated with doesn't feel the same way, disappointment and heartache ensue. As a result, these lustful and infatuation experiences that don't work out, will cause you to believe, "Love is hard, painful and uncertain."

The reality is love isn't any of these things. If you're experiencing love to be hard, painful and uncertain, and asking, "Am I in love?", you are not in love.

Lust and infatuation are usually fleeting and short-lived and don't tend to turn into love. When you are in love, you will have intense feelings for a guy, and be attracted and connected to him on the level of mind, body and soul. Here is my perception and experience of love.

Love is a feeling.

Feelings are the most common way that people learn about and experience love. When it is truly love, you will feel good about yourself when you're with and without him. As a result, you will also feel good about him. Since you're only human, sometimes you may not feel so good about yourself or him. This doesn't mean it's not love. It just means that things are ebbing, and change and growth are taking place.

Love is an inside job.

We tend to look for love from someone else, not realizing that love is actually within. Love is about
loving yourself first so that you are whole and not looking for someone else to complete you. The quality of your love life is a direct reflection on how much (or little) you care for and love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more you attract a guy who will love you just as much.

Love is a way of being.

Love is experienced in the present moment. When you are present, negative thoughts and feelings fall away, making space for gratitude, kindness and loving energy. Being present with your partner lets you see him through fresh eyes and keeps you in love. Being present helps you express yourself more openly, building a deeper connection.

Love is a choice.

It's easy to choose love when things are going really well. And when insecurities and fears come up, choosing love is where your greatest growth happens. Love is choosing we over me, unless you're in an abusive relationship. It's being considerate of your partner and making choices for the greater good of your relationship.

Love is built on a strong foundation.

Building a strong foundation of love happens by being the best version of you, taking the time to learn about each other, appreciating and accepting each other's qualities, quirks and differences, being there through thick and thin, resolving differences in a respectful manner and letting him be who he is without trying to change him.

Your answers to these 20 questions will reveal if you're in love.

Answer "true" or "false" with the first response that comes up.

If you're thinking about or rationalizing your answers too much, stop answering these questions. Instead, take some deep breaths and relax. Then respond from a place of inner calm.

1. I am attracted and connected to my partner physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

2. The thought of my partner makes me happy.

3. I feel happy about myself when I'm with my partner and without him.

4. I am free to be my true self in my relationship.

Giphy

5. I like who I am in my relationship.

6. I love myself just as much as I love my partner.

7. I feel good about who my partner is.

8. If my partner were to lose his material possessions, I would still love him and be with him.

9. I appreciate my partner and his quirks.

Giphy

10. I'm happy for my partner when good things come his way.

11. When difficulties come up for my partner, I'm here to support him.

12. I feel good about the way my partner and I interact and resolve issues.

13. I choose in favor of our relationship; my decisions are for the greater good of our relationship.

14. When I have good or bad news , or a challenging situation, my partner is one of the first people I call.

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15. When we have issues, my initial response is to resolve them, not leave him.

16. When our relationship isn't flowing as smoothly as I'd like, I'm able to be with what is and trust that things are and will be fine.

17. I feel content and fulfilled in my relationship.

18. I know my partner feels the same way about me as I do him (i.e. we both like and love each other).

19. There's no one else I'd rather be with, than my partner.

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20. I mostly approach our relationship from a place of love.

You are mostly likely in love if the majority of your answers are "true". If most of your answers are "false", you are not in love. You are approaching love from fear and under the belief that love is hard.

The bottom line is: if you're in love with the right guy, love won't be or feel so hard.

You will feel uplifted and loved for your true self. You will know how he feels about you. Your relationship will flow with more ease and when difficulties arise, they will be resolved respectfully.

THE STAGE DOESN’T MATTER, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE DRIVER DOES

THE STAGE DOESN’T MATTER, YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE DRIVER DOES

 There's an old story of the boy who stood on a sidewalk, waiting for a bus. A man walking by spotted the boy, and gave him some gentle instruction. "Son," he said, "if you're waiting for the bus, you need to move to the street corner. That's where the bus stops for passengers."

"It's OK," said the boy. "I'll just wait right here, and the bus will stop for me."
The man repeated his argument, but the boy never moved. Just then, the bus appeared. Amazingly, the bus pulled over to where the boy stood, and the child hopped on. The man on the sidewalk stood speechless. The boy turned around in the doorway and said, "Mister, I knew the bus would stop here, because the bus driver is my dad!"

When you've got a family relationship with the bus driver, you don't need a bus stop. If you've given your heart to the King of Kings, you're in a royal family of unspeakable proportions.

Today I would like to remind you that, when you know the driver of life you can take the bus of life anywhere. He will stop and pick you up where people thought it is not possible.

There are people who think you can’t make it from where you are right now but they will be surprised when they see you make it.

There are those who think you are not in the right frame of mind, or the right status or the right career to succeed but they don’t know that the success giver is your father and your friend.

Just like the man in the story above they will be surprised to see you succeed even though you are very young or old, single or married, or childless or divorced, or widowed. What matters is that you know Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above what we can think or even imagine.

Have a blessed day🌻🌻

The Nigerian Sociological and Anthropological Students Association (NSASA)

The Nigerian Sociological and Anthropological Students Association (NSASA)

Is it of a true that the economy of the country is really going down or has gone down?

Letter of Invitation

Many individuals tends to cry out concerning the present situation of the country, which has caused financial break down in the entire country.

So many conferences, events and conventions have been held in other to proffer solution to such menace or problem.

The Nigerian Sociological and Anthropological Students Association (NSASA)

The big question is; Is the Nigeria economy going to bounce back to normalcy or better than the way it was?

 These and more will be discussed in the forth coming CONVENTION of the Nigerian Sociological and Anthropological Students Association.

Scheduled as follows;
Date: 17th - 21st May, 2016
Theme: The Nigerian Economy and  it's Implication on the Society: A call to Sociologists
Venue: University Of Abuja, Auditorium

The general public  is cordially invited to this convention.

For more information; 
Contact; Comr. Stephen-Gow Ayebatonbara (National Coordinator, NSASA)
tonbeeg@gmail.com
08165632153, 08131820078

Tiwa Savage Sacks Husband, Employs New Manager, Moves Out of Home

Popular 34-year-old Nigerian singer, Tiwatope Savage-Balogun, known by her stage name Tiwa Savage, has sacked her husband.

Tiwa Savage

The Eminado crooner was said to have relieved her husband, who also doubles as her manager off his ‘managerial’ duties. The beautiful actress who recently performed in a controversial attire which revealed all her body contours was said to be having marital issues, hence the need to change her manager, Kemi Filani reveals.

Tiwa and her new manager

Tiwa and her new manager

The award winning singer-songwriter, recording artist, performer, and actress who is referred to as Mavin First Lady got married some months back in a star studded and a high-classed wedding.

Tiwa’s new manager, Mekka Millions

However, the beautiful singer who cherishes her mother so much because of the impact she took in her life while growing up has employed Emeka, Mekka Millions as her new manager.

Although speculations have been up since she has been stepping out to functions alone without the husband, Kemi Filani revealed that the marital crisis was as a result of Tiwa’s husband, Teebliz beating her up black and blue always.

She also made it known that although family and friends have not been able to pacify her not to walk out of her marriage.

The beautiful singer who is known for wishing every celebrity a happy birthday and even updating her Instagram and Twitter accounts praising her new hubby however raised eyebrows when she refused to wish her hubby a happy birthday on Instagram some few days back not until later in the day.

And even when she did, there were no ‘sweet, loving words’ that was expected to come along with the photo update.

The photo got a lot of comments on Instagram as many speculated something must truly be wrong while others think the couple might just be going through the normal hard times that many newly-wedded couple go through.

Tiwa Savage and Hubby

However, the new manager who is said to be a protégé of TeeBillz is now saddled with the responsibilities of going to most events with her, pick calls on her behalf and many more. Meka Millions is also currently managing fast rising rapper, Olusegun Olowokere aka Iceberg Slim.

It has however been revealed that the beautiful singer left the house yesterday afternoon to a friend’s place to stay temporarily. While family members are still advising the couple not to divorce.

It would be recalled that just recently, the

Songstress made it known that her husband, Tunji Balogun aka Teebillz can’t divorce her neither can he return her to her parents.

How To Tell If It's Love ... Or Just Lust

How To Tell If It's Love ... Or Just Lust

Have you ever wondered if you were truly in love, or truly in lust?

Did you know that falling in love actually happens over time, and the journey from initial attraction to deep romantic love is a predictable course that depends on many different factors?

Love is an intense feeling of affection toward another person. It's a profound and caring attraction that forms emotional attachment.

On the flip side, lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature that is based on physical attraction. Lust can transform into deep romantic love, but it usually takes time.

Two individuals will transform their lust into love when they get to see the whole individual (their strengths and weaknesses) and get past the “fantasy level.
Dr. Helen Fisher, a well-known researcher on the topic of romantic love, has identified three stages to falling in love in her excellent book

Why Him? Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love and I've been inspired by her research in writing this post.
Which stage are you at?

Stage 1: Lust

Lust is the first stage of falling in love. It's driven by desire. The sex hormones play an important role in this stage. According to experts, this stage may begin immediately and can last up to two years.

Signs that you're in lust:

i. You're focused on the physical appearance of the object of your desire.

ii. There is a strong desire to have sex, but not deep emotional conversations.

iii. You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.

iv. You are lovers, but not necessarily friends.

Stage 2: Attraction

This is the “love-struck” phase. When you spend hours daydreaming about your lover; when you lose sleep or your appetite, you know you're in this phase. The neurohormones that play an important role in the attraction or infatuation phase are dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. These are the hormones that send our heart racing, and might actually make us feel like we are going insane.

Stage 3: Deep Love and Attachment

When a couple has gotten to know themselves beyond the courting phase and they get to see their partner’s “whole” personality, including their strengths and weaknesses, and still choose to love and accept each other for who they are, a neurohormone of love called oxytocin takes over. This is the commitment hormone. It's released during orgasm and believed to promote bonding when adults are intimate.

The theory goes on that the more sex a couple has, the deeper the bond becomes. Socrates was correct when he said “where there is love there is madness.” Romantic love and addiction share similar brain chemistry. Therefore, if you are not interested in a serious committed relationship, Dr. Fisher advises not to casually sleep with someone, because you are likely to bond with the individual with whom you have an orgasm with. Basically we are kidding ourselves when we say we are going to keep it casual. Our brain is wired to bond and connect with a partner with whom we experience pleasure.

Signs that you're in true romantic love

This type of love is not just an emotion, it's also a craving. There is a strong emotional craving, the love drive is even stronger than the sex drive.

i. Possessiveness. When you desire only that one person, you know you are in deep romantic love.

ii. You want to spend quality time together other than sex.

iii. You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.

iv. You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings and make each other happy.

v. He or she motivates you to be a better person.

vi. You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

vii. You can’t stop thinking about that person.

At this stage, instead of a split between love and lust, your new path lies in the balancing of the two: committed love and red hot sex, security and excitement, continuity and novelty, safety and adventure, comfort and passion. The happiest couples are the ones that can maintain a balance between lust and love.

Enjoy the journey of self-discovery relating with someone for whom you lust. If the chemistry is right, it will transform into romantic love!

Don’t rush it; allow it to unfold naturally. The more you bring love, honesty, passion and romance into your own self-relationship, the easier it will be to attract someone who shares those same qualities. If you have a burning question regarding this topic and the three stages of falling in love, or a thought you'd like to share, leave a comment below!

5 Signs It’s Love, Not Lust

5 Signs It’s Love, Not Lust

SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 - BY KAITLIN VOGEL

 When I’m out with a guy, there are a ton of thoughts flying through my head at once. Depending on whether or not I’m interested, they vary from “How am I going to be as ladylike as possible while eating these wings?” to “The ‘Bachelorette’ finale is tonight; I wonder who she’ll choose.” In the second example, I’ve clearly been planning my exit strategy since the night began. In the first example, however, chances are I care what my date thinks and want to make a great impression. When I like a guy, he knows it. The signs are obvious: I laugh at his jokes, playfully touch his hand, and turn on the charm to seal the deal.

But do any of these signs mean I want a relationship with him? Not necessarily.

The reverse is also true. It can be just as difficult for me to tell what my date’s true intentions are. Does he see me as relationship material? Or is he just looking to have fun?

To navigate these tricky waters of love and lust, I turned to research—and found that science tells us quite a bit about the difference between the two. Here are five signs you can watch for to get a better idea of what your date is really looking for:

1. He gazes into your eyes.

According to new research from the University of Chicago, eye movement may reveal whether a person is feeling romantic love or sexual desire. In the study, participants were asked to concentrate on a stranger’s face to test visual patterns and analyze the difference between love and lust. Interestingly, researchers found that viewers who saw the person as a potential romantic partner fixated more on the face, whereas those who were feeling lust focused more on the body. This was true for both males and females.

So if he’s looking directly into your eyes, you can keep fantasizing about your
wedding and future kids’ names. But if he’s looking everywhere else, you’re better off getting the check.

2. She shows affection—even when it isn’t leading to sex.

If the person you’re seeing touches you often without initiating sex, it’s very likely he or she is smitten. When you’re truly in love with someone, having sex isn’t the only way to maintain closeness . You share a connection that goes beyond lust and can experience emotional intimacy by holding hands or cuddling. “Loving touch focuses more on a healthy connection and a need to express true affection,” says therapist and life coach, Mila Mapp. “It can be expressed privately or publicly in a way that is gentle, appropriate, and warm. Loving touch respects boundaries and creates a level of comfort and pleasure for both parties.”

3. He wants to introduce you to his family and friends.

When you meet the people your date cares about most in the world, it’s a surefire check in the love column. It’s a sign that you’re an important person in his life and more than just a casual fling.

“Don’t wait for him to invite you to meet his parents. Take the bull by the horns and do it first!” advises Larry Wilson, founder and CEO of oppositesconnect.com. His suggestion? Invite him to a family party so you two won’t be the center of attention. “This way, after brief introductions are made, Mom and Dad will be busy entertaining and you two won’t be the main focus of attention. Then when the four of you have a more intimate meeting, there will be a familiarity between you all that will make everyone more relaxed.”

4. She talks about the future, and you’re in it.

Does she make plans for next month or next year that include you? If you notice that “we” is starting to replace “I,” that’s a strong indicator that she plans on sticking around.

“Partners who are committed to one another are comfortable talking and fantasizing about the future—next weekend, holiday season, or year,” says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship . “It doesn’t guarantee a future to imagine what life could be like together five or ten years from now, but the absence of any such hopeful plans is not a good sign.”

5. You have deep conversations outside the bedroom.

Does he ask you questions about yourself and your life? Does she show interest in things you care about? When someone likes you, he can’t get enough and is always eager to learn more. On the other hand, someone who is purely interested in a physical connection won’t invest the time or energy in sharing personal details.

“Conversations within loving relationships are more exploratory, displaying a sense of curiosity and care,” says Mapp. “The couple wants to know more about each other—their families, childhood, careers, hopes and dreams, personal philosophies, and quirks.” Lustful relationships rely almost exclusively on flirtation, innuendo, or blatant requests for sex, she explains. These interactions create sexual foreplay at the expense of learning more about each other.

As romance novelist Danielle Steel once said, “Lust is temporary, romance can be nice, but love is the most important thing of all. Because without love, lust and romance will always be short-lived.” It can sometimes be hard to tell in the beginning stages of a relationship whether you’re headed for a long-term commitment or a one-night stand. In my experience, I can tell it’s real if he pays attention to the details—like remembering my favorite snack is popcorn or where my secret ticklish spot is. But sometimes the way he looks at me when he thinks I’m not looking is how I know he’s more than just a fling.

Do you think these signs accurately predict whether it’s love or lust? Do you have your own ways to tell if it’s lust or love? Tell us in the comments!

Falling in Love Takes One-Fifth of a Second

Falling in Love Takes One-Fifth of a Second

FEBRUARY 13, 2015 - BY KAITLIN VOGEL

   Ah, love. It remains one of the greatest mysteries of life. One question that has sparked debate among my friends is about love at first sight. Is it possible? Some say, “I knew he was the one from the moment I saw him,” while the skeptical ones roll their eyes and laugh at the notion of an instant connection.

According to research conducted by Stephanie Ortigue, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Syracuse University, people can fall in love at first sight. In fact, it can happen in one-fifth of a second.

Falling in love is actually far more scientific than you may think. Contrary to popular belief, romantic feelings originate in the brain, not in the heart. Check out these five surprising facts about the love/neuroscience connection:

1. Being in love is like being on cocaine. When you look at that special someone and experience a rush of euphoria, 12 areas of the brain are synchronizing to release “feel good” chemicals oxytocin, dopamine, and adrenaline. Taking a hit of cocaine triggers the same chemical response—it happens fast and feels great. But how long does the high last? Experts explain that this euphoric feeling is not sustainable, which is why “passionate love” either dies or develops into “companionate love,” as seen in couples who have been together for many years.

2. Different types of love affect different parts of the brain. Passionate love
activates the part of the brain that rewards and motivates us, whereas unconditional love—such as the type between a mother and child—does not depend on pleasurable feelings or rewards. In addition, romantic love and sexual desire involve different parts of the nervous system. Estrogen and steroid hormones govern sexual desire, whereas romantic love involves the coordination of endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin.

3. Love motivates us to overcome all obstacles that can get in the way. We’ve all heard “love is the force that drives us,” but did you know there’s a scientific explanation behind it? Love is linked to the reward part of the brain, and researchers explain why this makes sense from a biological standpoint. If people weren’t motivated to work through their relationship problems, everyone would be out the door at the first sign of trouble and the species wouldn’t survive.

4. Passionate love affects us physically, not just emotionally. As the lovestruck brain works overtime, it’s simultaneously sending adrenaline signals to the heart and the stomach—thus the feeling of a racing heart and butterflies in the stomach. Love can even be considered a natural painkiller. When love is new and passionate, it can have an analgesic effect on the body , distracting the brain from pain.

5. The effects of love can decrease activity in areas of the brain associated with fear, anxiety, and sadness Physical contact such as hugs, cuddling, and kissing release oxytocin, a natural mood-boosting chemical. This helps explain why love makes us feel strong and upbeat, like we’re on top of the world.

So there you have it—one look can be all it takes to trigger the variety pack of brain signals that we call love. But don’t give up on your date if you aren’t blown away in the first few minutes, especially if the drinks haven’t arrived yet. Many couples can attest to the fact that love is still possible at second or third sight!

While falling in love can take less than a second or more than a year, it’s important to remember that a healthy relationship takes time to grow. Whether you’re searching for a soul mate or you’ve already found one, make sure to cherish your loved ones on Valentine’s Day. Your brain will thank you!